Another old post....was in a writing mood on 06/23/2007

I have been sitting at the coffe shop today reading a book about Zen Living.  I was surprised how much it spoke to me and seemed to just jump out at me with things I already believe in.

It described Zen as: now

Really now is all any of us really have. There are no promises for a wonderful future or even a future at all, so living in the moment seems like a good thing. Really isn't it the only choice we all have anyway?

I found a lot of wisdom in the Four Noble Truths

1. Living means experiencing discontent, dissatisfaction, suffering, and fear. (dukkha)
2. Dukkha is caused by desire.
3. We can eliminate suffering.
4. By following the Eightfold Path you can eliminate dukkha.

The one thing that confused me was this...... Rule 1 states that to live you must have dukkha, so how can we completely eliminate dukkha?? Wouldn't we cease to live at that point? Or would we just cease to live on our current plane of existence.

Just silly wonderings...I still think they are right on with the general ideas of ways we can become more one with the world and our own lives.

Zen Buddhism also talks of "The Eightfold Path".  It makes up the guidelines to living without suffering (dukkha).

Right Understanding - life is impermanent, suffering is linked to desire, and desire is linked to the notion that we are lacking something.

Right Thought - Refusing to engage in cruel, mean, covetous, or otherwise nasty thoughts.

Right Speech - Refusing to lie, talk meanly, gossip, command everyone's attention, or inflame people. Don't be a chatterbox (woops). Guess I'll have to get to work on that one right away!

Right Action - Refusal to kill purposefully, refusal to steal; control of the senses and appetites; talking sincerely and honestly; and refusal to alter the mind with intoxicants.

Right Livelihood - Choosing an occupation the is not harmful or unjust, but honest, upright, and furthering of love and compassion in the world.

Right Effort - Self discipline.

Right Mindfulness - Being aware of your feeling and surrounding and living a purpose driven life rather than going through the motions.

Right Concentration - achieving a one-pointed mind. If you are doing even a mundane task, concentrate fully on that task.

I like the path because they are guidelines for living, not commandments that you break when you mess up.  They are a path to follow to try and make yourself a better person, which is a never ending process.

All of this wonderful and facinating information was brought to you through my interpretation on information found in.....

"The Complete IDIOTS GUIDE to Zen Living" by Gary McClain, Ph.D and Even Adamson, MFA."

Post from a previous blog....06/23/2007

Do you ever feel completely drained of all energy?
I mean completely. Not just a little run down or stressed, but completely trampled on body, mind and soul? I have felt that way for the last few weeks. Ok, let's be honest....I have been going through and endless cycle of this sort of behavior my entire life.
I have been trying SO hard to help everyone around me that I forgot about taking care of me, myself and I. Why is it that I do this again and again? I think it stems from a deep and aching need to feel loved. As a child given up on and just plain given up so many times, I find that I'm always looking for approval and affirmation from everyone around me. This is the fundamental behavior that I need to change in order to get over this codependent circle in my life.
I am a good person. I know this. I don't need something or someone else to make me feel good about myself. True self esteem and self worth can only come from one place. Within.
Honestly, I don't really know where I'm going with this, but all I can say is FTFF.....but then I think to myself WWJD.
I am tired of being the NICE GIRL.......

Courage & Wisdom

What do these words even mean to me?  What could I do to be courageous to be deemed wise?  They are both characteristics that I aspire to.  I have faced quite a bit of adversity in my day, but I don't really think I give myself any credit at all for being courageous.  Many with my condition give up and let others take care of them.  It truly is harder for me than the average person.  That is not just a bull shit line to give myself slack.  Having a mental illness is a test of courage every damn day you are alive.  Can you really imagine what it is like to completely loose control at times?  Not from doing drugs just from your own brains chemistry taking you on the most intense acid trip you have ever been on.  Luckily most of my trips have been positive.  Extremely positive.  They are what gives me inspiration for a hope for humanity, in fact.  The darker side.  Being locked down in a mental ward.  That is one scary situation.  You are cold and alone, you have abusive staff that are bored, tired or don't give a fuck about the job they are doing.  I have come away bruised a few times.  There is not reason in the world 4-6 men should not be able to subdue a 5'2" female weighing about 125 pounds.  There is no need to body slam her to the ground face first.  That is just not the way to treat the mentally ill.  It is really so easy for someone to get in touch with my alternate reality.  They just have to listen and show true compassion.  If this happens I can be calmed instantly.  I never used to be afraid of needles, but after tons of shots of Thorazine in the ass you get a little fearful.  I will tell  you that hurts like a mother fucker.  WOW.  And honestly it is scary sometimes because some of the other patients are bigger and more violent.  I'm  not really sure why they don't separate the men and women?  That seems a bit strange really.  Especially since hyper sexuality is one of the hallmarks of a manic episode?  This has to make the job of the techs a nightmare.  Babysitting and the temptation.  Not all guys can resist a full blow manic hottie coming on full power.  I'm sure that is not easy. Why make that an issue.  Sometimes segregation is a good thing.

So do I earn the badge of courage, how could I have ever doubted it?

Wisdom comes from life experience making mistakes and learning from them.  I have made plenty of mistakes in my life.  Man have I.  I try very hard to learn from them.  I know the right thing to do, but sometimes it's hard to do the right thing because of fear.  Back to the courage lesson, I suppose.  Change is difficult.  Evolution in necessary.  Why would anyone want to remain exactly as they are?  My whole life's goal is to evolve into the best iteration of myself that there is.  Wisdom is the ability to grow, learn, change, contribute, care and give to others selflessly.  Imparting knowledge and experience to anyone who wants to learn from you.  Everyone has something they can teach, you just have to pay attention to the lessons they are giving out.  If someone is willing to bear their soul they have a good reason.  Pay attention to them because your peers are your greatest teachers. 

The ability to learn from others mistakes and life experiences is what transforms you from a student to a Master.